So this is the perfect time of year for me to tell you about last year's Valentine Disaster.
It was a guy i had gone on one date with. He was super sweet, and SUPER cute. He had one of those perfectly proportioned faces. Clear blue eyes, short dirty blond hair, tall. The whole package, or so it seemed. Our first date had been the Tuesday before Valentine's Day. So, it was only natural that he ask me out that next weekend. V-Day. Eck. I thought it would be totally cheesy, and probably awkward for him if we went to a resto on V-Day. So, instead, when he invited me to do something on that Saturday night, i suggested that he come over to join me and my roomates since we were having a little Valentine's soirée of our own. 2 couples and me. So, i was happy to have a date to bring! He happily agreed .
As most girls would, i thought that maybe he'd bring me a flower or a box of chocs, since it was Valentine's Day and I was the one offering supper and drinks. But this date was different. Oh yes. I'm not sure WHY he would do this, but he showed up at the door with a LARGE bottle of Jack Daniels. No coke, just Jack. Funniest part is that i LOVE Jack Daniels, but he didn't know that! Not very smooth. You show up for the first time at a girls apartment with a big bottle of whiskey?! ..
hmmm i think we all know what he had in mind...not a good first impression.
I kept track on what i was drinking, because last thing you want is to be a lush on the second date with all your roomates in the apartment!
It's not my style ;)He was ok. Quiet. Cute. But nothing more. My roomies made an effort to keep him in conversations, but it was a challenge. They all ended up going to bed early.
Then the funny stuff began.We started kissing. It was an awkward kiss. But he was cute, so i kept trying to make it work. Tongue all up in my mouth; & way too much of it! Then, as we laid down and there was (over the clothes) rubbing and touching, the play by play began...
I kid you not.
He stopped kissing me and said “ I just kissed your neck, that was nice to kiss your neck”
Ok weird. But WTV.Then he stopped again, 30 seconds later, “i'm rubbing your leg, it feels nice to rub your leg”
Yes... alright. Stop talking and just kiss me.“Is it alright if i lay down with you?”
Then again “kissing you is good, you taste good. Can i kiss your neck again?”
Yes already.But it didn't stop. It was a full-on play by play of what he was doing. Not hot
or sexy. I could hear my roomates laughing because they were getting a recap on what we were doing!
The
final straw was when he stopped and said :
“I just felt your butt. It was very firm. John likes your butt”
(He was “John”!!! ok that's not his REAL name, but for story-telling purposes it be that) He was talking about himself in the 3rd person! I pretty much pushed him off the couch, and sighed loudly. Enough was enough. His kissing was lousy, i wasn't going to listen to the play-by-play and not enjoy it!
I told him he should probably get going.
He said “Give me a minute. Wow. That was the most amazing makeup session EVER!”
He was serious.I thought: Buddy, if THIS is your hottest makeout session i feel very sad for you! I doubt if he's ever got to the “having sex part” , because any girl in her right mind wouldn't be able to stand the commentary!!! If every 10 seconds he stopped to comment on our kissing, what would he have said when i was on top of him??!
I think i would have had to get wild and mussel him!!! HAHAHAHappy belated Valentine's Day Ladies!
